


Beautifully Scarred

by keepthekettleon



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, details are important, messed up vulcan/human biology, more like scars, spock and kirk are freaking oblivious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-10-14 12:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10536264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepthekettleon/pseuds/keepthekettleon
Summary: What if everyone had a scar... not by accident, but on purpose. A scar to identify the one to complete your soul.





	1. Chapter 1

Jim was born with a scar on his shoulder. It’s moon-shaped and so simple and small that Winona almost doesn’t believe that it’s really a soulmate mark. Most marks have a complicated pattern, hers and George’s mark had been three dices on a backgammon board that covered her entire shoulder blade and George’s biceps. But she was just happy that it wasn’t on Jim’s face like Sam’s mark.

Jim ends up not really caring about the mark. It’s so small that most people he hooks up with don’t even notice it and he really likes to keep it that way. Not that he doesn’t look forward to meeting his soulmate, of course he does, everyone does. If he wouldn’t meet his soulmate, he wouldn’t have gotten a mark. But what he doesn’t expect is that he gets a second mark on his 21nd birthday. He doesn’t want two soulmates and certainly not one that is 21 years younger. But the mark it there and it covers almost his entire back. When it appears, he nearly doubles over in pain. But then, when he finally looks at it, it’s beautiful. It’s a big feathery owl wing, so detailed that it almost could be a tattoo and he knows that this soulmate has to be someone special. It’s not the size that gives it away, size doesn’t equal importance, but detail… detail does. And this is a badass mark.

Signing up for Starfleet Academy brings him his first soulmate. It’s on the shuttle and he barely notices it when he is handed a flask, but there it is, a hollow small moon on the back of his hand. It doesn’t surprise him that it’s a guy, but he asks to see the hand again anyways. McCoy shows it to him and it resembles without a doubt the small mark on his shoulder.

“Nice to finally meet you. I would show you my mark, but I really don’t wanna be half naked in here.” He jokes.

Leonard nods. “Just so you know, this ain’t my only mark. I got a pretty detailed one too.”

“Me too.” Jim laughs. “It’s a beautiful thing… covers my entire back and the details… it’s almost a real tattoo.”

“I guess that makes us each other’s sidekick, doesn’t it? We both got someone other waiting out there.”

“Except that my soulmate is currently 4 years old.”

“Well, mine is 14… not much better if you ask me.”



Spock’s mark appears late, he didn’t even think he would get one, half Vulcan and all. But as he’s standing in front of the Vulcan High Council and declines the offer to join the science academy, he barely makes it out of the room before the pain cracks his Vulcan stoicism. When he finally makes it home and looks at the mark, he already knows that it will be impossible to cover up. An elegant owl wing rakes across his entire back, but the tip of the wing shoots up his neck and shoulder and covers half of his left cheek. His humanity on display, right for everyone to see. It’s a good thing that he’s leaving Vulcan so soon.

On earth, he realizes that it’s not that uncommon for humans to have their mark extend or even be solely displayed on their face.

His academic success is unprecedented in Starfleet history. He invents the Kobayashi Maru after just two years of study and is offered a chair almost immediately after graduating.

But then there is Jim Kirk. Jim Kirk who beats the Kobayashi Maru. HIS Kobayashi Maru. Jim Kirk who, after just three years, is about to graduate. And Jim Kirk, who just can’t take anything seriously and who drives him mad. 



Jim doesn’t realize that it’s HIS mark that rakes across Spock’s cheek when he first sees him on the day of the trial. First of all, because it’s turned away from him and second, because he simply doesn’t expect it. His soulmate is meant to be barely 7 anyways. 

And then, hell breaks loose. As much as he may despise Spock, especially after that low blow about his father, and as much as this distress call may feel like being saved by the bell, it doesn’t make him happy. But it gets worse. Everything, and he means every-fucking-thing reminds him of the way his father died. And that Vulcan bastard just tries everything to get Pike to not listen to him. He’s trying to save his fucking planet, damnit!

And ends up failing. Seeing Vulcan disappear in that black hole hurts more than he thought it would. But getting abandoned on fucking Delta Vega? With freaking ice monsters? That’s just uncalled for, especially when it’s because he’s trying to save the second planet in a row!

The mind meld with that ancient Vulcan that turns out to be Future Spock is not less troubling. Yes, he sees what he needs to see, but heavens! He sees so much more. Glimpses of hot bodies flushed together, Vulcan kisses, human kisses, whispered words in the dark that make him feel flustered just thinking about it and most of all… feelings, emotions so strong that they exceed his imagination and had he not felt them, shared them with the old Spock, he would have never deemed them possible.

So this was them. The old Spock and Jim’s other self. They had loved where he and Spock despised, they had kissed when he and Spock had punched and they had trusted when both of them here had not. How could one little difference have changed so much?

And then he gets back on the ship with instructions on exactly which of his Spock’s buttons to press to make him go cray-cray, at least in a Vulcan sense. How could ancient Spock, knowing what he and his Kirk had shared, give him instructions on how to further proceed down this line of fighting and hatred and mistrust? 

But he follows through with the plan. The moment his final words pass his lips, he knows that he’s pushed too far. “It must not even compute for you! You NEVER loved her!” It accomplished his goal, but like this morning (or was it yesterday?), it doesn’t make him happy, not even the tiniest bit.

Because he remembers, and even though it’s not his memories, he does. He remembers how it felt to love Spock, because ancient Spock remembers what his Kirk showed him. Gosh, it’s mind-meld-ception and it’s wrong on so many levels, because he shouldn’t even know that, but at the same time, it’s him, those are his thoughts, his feelings and then again, they are not. Because he’s not the same man, Spock’s not the same either, and they may have loved each other in that other version of their universe, but here? Never. Here, he has a big, detailed owl wing on his back and two soulmates, one, who is his best friend and the other, who is a freaking seven-year-old. Here, Spock has a feather spreading over his neck and cheek, here, Spock has a girlfriend named Nyota Uhura, who, most likely, has a similar feather somewhere on her body. Here, everything is different.

And allowing himself to dream about things that can never be is illogical, as Spock would say.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... where Jim suffers from the meld, Spock finds out about the mark and Nyota finds her soulmate...

When Spock meets his counterpart, it’s not what he expected. In front of him is not a man who finally mastered the art of emotional control, instead there is a mischievous glistening in his eyes and an amount of expression on his face that strikes him as very, very human. 

And as he speaks of the friendship that will define both him and Kirk, his eyes seem to sparkle and Spock cannot help but wonder what this friendship might entail. Right now, it is obvious to him that they do work well together, that they might even come to trust each other, but his elder’s words imply more… and implying is something he has become very good at. His Elder is precise in his words, yet still vague in his expression and Spock realizes that this will be something that he will not share with himself. Maybe not yet, maybe not ever.

He finds himself pleased that Jim becomes Captain of the Enterprise and that he himself is able to assist him as First Officer. Soon, a routine establishes itself and Spock is content with how things work out. 



But not so much for Jim.

It’s okay to push the other Spock’s memories out of his mind when he is awake, but not when he’s asleep. Knowing that in this universe, things are different doesn’t help one bit. Because the memories invade his dreams, fuel his fantasies, and make him long for the impossible. He finds himself getting flashes, intimate moments that he would long to forget, on the bridge whenever he looks at Spock and… But then there is Uhura. Uhura who loves Spock and who Spock cherishes. And he may be an asshole, but not that much as that he would dare to get between them. 

There is, after all, a special someone waiting out there for him too. And this is the only solace he gets. 



Spock is aware that he and Nyota are not ‘alright’ as she always phrases it. He doesn’t know if it’s because their marks don’t match or if there’s another reason and he also decides that it isn’t his place to find out if Nyota doesn’t tell him voluntarily. 

Instead, he indulges in regular games of chess with his Captain. It is a welcome mental exercise, as well as a way of getting to know each other. Jim’s (as the Captain insists that Spock calls him in private) strategy is so illogical that Spock is hardly even considering it as a strategy, but it catches him off guard more often than he would like to admit and his logic is useless against the impulsive style that Kirk had managed to master in a way that puzzles Spock.

When Nyota terminates their relationship, it does not come as a surprise to Spock. The explanation however, does. 

“I found my soulmate…” Nyota hesitates. “It’s Scotty. I’m sorry, Spock.”

Spock simply nods and congratulates her. If she’s surprised at his reaction, she doesn’t show it.

Nothing changes much until Spock finds himself in a particularly inconvenient situation. Jim has spent at least the last 1.42 hours in the shower, that being the exact time since Spock had resurfaced from his deep meditation with a close to bursting bladder. Yes, Vulcans are able to control their bodily functions, but there is only so much a half-Vulcan can take.

The shared bathroom proves to be extremely uncomfortable arrangement at the moment. But before he is going to piss himself, he knocks on the door.

A loud voice booms from inside. “Come on in, Spock! It’s not like I’m standing naked in the shower or anything… Well, I am standing naked in the shower, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come in… There’s no need for false modesty.”

So Spock slides the door open and is greeted by a temperature that almost resembles a normal day on Vulcan, but a humidity that nearly makes him choke. “Jim!” He coughs. “What is this?”

“It’s called a hot shower, Spock.” Jim retorts.

The fog clears a bit and as Jim turns away from him to grab the soap, it happens. Spock’s eyes fall on Jim’s back and he gasps. He knows this mark, he has burned it into his memory so that he may never miss his soulmate when he sees him. And there it is.

Jim turns back around and his eyes meet Spock’s. “I know.” He grins. “It’s an incredible mark. And whoever she or he is…” He’s not even going to try to deny his pansexuality here. “I know it’s going to be something amazing. Sadly, I’m going to have to wait a few more years.” His voice drops. “They’re eight years old right now.”

And Spock turns away, relieves himself and leaves. The knowledge of what this means lies heavy on him, but he can’t bring himself to tell Jim. There is no logical reason to withhold this information from Jim. He is waiting, he wants to meet his Soulmate, but Spock also knows that everyone on this ship has seen his own mark and Jim hasn’t said anything.

So Spock waits. Maybe Jim will say something about it first.



And then there’s Khan and suddenly Jim is so thankful for the memories. There’s no chance that he will let Spock die. Surely, Spock would have figured out how to fix the engines, but he is faster.

It hurts. It hurts so much as the radiation surges through his body and makes him feel like his intestines are melting. (Which they probably are, but he doesn’t want to think about that now.)

And then Spock is here and Jim wants to know how to stop this, how to stop this pain surging through him and Spock is the only one who can tell him, but even Spock can’t help him. He remembers the volcano and he remembers what Spock means to him and he knows he has to tell him, but he’s not sure if the words coming out of his mouth are still coherent or making sense in any way. The only thing he knows is that Spock presses the ta’al against the glass and whispers. “Because you are my friend.”

But it’s not enough. Even though he knows that it’s all he gets and all he ever would have gotten, it’s not enough. At least they’re friends, at least they no longer hate each other, but it still feels like it’s not enough. And Jim let’s himself go and falls into darkness.



Spock screams. They are Soulmates. They are forever. But Jim is dead. When he looks at McCoy, his eyes are full of understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated and give me the motivation to keep writing!
> 
> Thanks for reading and leaving them!
> 
> See you next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... where Spock feels, Jim finds out about the mark and Bones wonders why he's supposed to be a pedophile...

Spock doesn’t know how he ends up on the roof of a ship, punching the living daylights out of Khan. It feels good. And since Jim died, that’s all he knows. He feels without restraint and it scares the hell out of him.

And then he’s back on the ship. Jim may live and that gives him enough peace of mind to meditate again. As much as he wants to be down in medbay and supervise everything, he knows that he needs this more. Because if Jim wakes up, he will need his First Officer back. 

It takes him hours to sort through his emotions, to label them and put them back where they belong. In the back of his mind, controlled and not providing distraction. Finally, he slowly resurfaces again.

His steps lead him down to medbay. McCoy awaits him and pulls him into an empty corner.

“You stupid hobgoblin! How did it feel, huh?” He hisses. “Because I know how bad it felt for me and our bond was probably the faintest anyone ever had!”

Spock is taken aback. “What are you referring to?”

“Don’t play dumb, Spock! I did the full med checkup on both of you. You…” He trails off. “Except if... you don’t know.” He turns on his heels. “Sorry, Spock.”

Jim wakes up two days later. Spock doesn’t tell him. The logical explanation is, that they are Captain and First Officer, and being soulmates would complicate things further. The truth, however, is not that simple. The truth is that Spock doesn’t know why he doesn’t want to tell Jim. The truth is that for the first time, logic alone just isn’t enough and Spock wishes that he could be more human, that he could know what to say in such a situation.



Jim’s dreams don’t stop, no matter what he does. McCoy is the first to notice that there is something wrong with him and orders a full check-up. It reveals nothing. M’Benga would maybe find something, but Jim really doesn’t want anyone to know.

They get worse, steal him more and more hours of sleep, scarce as those hours are already. Finally he makes a call. To Vulcan. To Spock.

Spock greets him softly. “Jim, how are you?”

And Jim doesn’t lie to him. He knows that man, so intimately that he just doesn’t have it in him. “I feel like crap. Since the meld… something has changed. The memories you showed me, they don’t go away. And I can’t sleep anymore. Is there a way to undo the meld?”

“No.” Spock shakes his head. “I am sorry, but a mind meld is irreversible.”

“I just… I can’t live with the images of you and the other me in my head. It’s torture. What you had… it’s something me and my Spock can never have and… I don’t want to be reminded of this every night.”

There is a hint of confusion on Spock’s face. “What we have, me and my Jim and you and your Spock, is permanent throughout all universes and timelines. Why would you think otherwise?”

“Because Spock has a mark on his face and he is in a relationship with Lieutenant Uhura. Some things are different here. I have an eight year old soulmate and as far as I remember, Spock is older than that. I know that you and your Kirk were soulmates, I felt it. But me and Spock… We aren’t.”

“Yes, some things have changed. For example, my counterpart has not decided to get his mark removed like I did. I had the same mark and I was so ashamed of it that I asked our Vulcan healers to remove it.” He sighed. “And If you still cannot believe me, Jim, I know where your mark is. It’s on your back, a beautiful owl wing, so detailed that it almost looks like a really tattoo. The only part visible on my face is the last feather on the wing. So if you want to be sure, compare just this one part and I can assure you, it will look the same.” He paused. “I did not wish to interfere with your personal story, but your death has certainly changed things. I still remember how I felt when my Kirk died.” His voice wavered slightly. “It is not a pleasant experience. I almost lost my sanity. He needs you. Now more than ever.”

And so Jim does. He pulls an image of his mark on his PADD and on the bridge, when Spock looks away, he looks at the feather that ranks up his First Officer’s neck. It’s the same. But Spock, Spock had seen the mark that one day in the bathroom and he hadn’t said anything. And so Jim remains silent.

The days go on. The dreams don’t stop. And though he and Spock seem to get along splendidly, the former dislike gone entirely, neither of them mentions the mark.  
They stand next to each other in the turbolift, they spar back to back against their teammates and stare deep into each other’s eyes during their chess games. And they both say nothing.



McCoy thinks it’s stupid, but at the moment, he has his own problems to deal with. Problems that started about a week ago, when the young navigations Ensign that he keeps referring to as “kid” in his head, came into medbay with a twisted knee. Being the professional that he is, he told the kid to drop his pants so he could get a good look at the injury. But as he turned around, the next question nearly got stuck in his throat. Because on the kids quadriceps sits a scar that he knows all too well. 

And now he’s sitting in his quarters with a half empty bottle of brandy and wonders how the heck he managed to get innocence personified as a soulmate. Not to mention that the kid’s only twenty, technically legal but it still makes him think why the universe thought him a pedophile. 

Absently, he starts massaging his triceps, where he knows the image of an hourglass engulfed in a bed of thorns is etched into his skin. Some people insist that the mark is some kind of prophecy, that it somehow represents the relationship and now, McCoy can’t help but wonder whether he’s the stinging thorns or the hourglass where the time’s half run out.

As CMO, he knows all the soulmate pairs on the ship and so far, only one pair has found each other. His mind wanders to them, to Nyota and Scotty. It’s not his responsibility to play matchmaker and he’s so not playing with Spock and Jim. If Nyota and Scotty managed to figure it out on their own, so damn well should they. 

But then there’s still his own problem. And it’s not going away. The alcohol slowly jumbles his thoughts and makes him drift off into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated, they give me the motivation to continue writing! Even if you don't want to take the time to comment or don't know what to say, a simple click on Kudos is also motivating!
> 
> I'll see you next time!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... where Jim can't sleep and Bones get's drunk (again)...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me 2 MONTHS to update!
> 
> ... buuuuuuuut I graduated with excellence, so I guess the effort was all worth it!

Jim can’t stand it anymore. He _knows_ that Spock saw his mark, he knows because he made sure Spock had when he took off his shirt during the sparring session today. So why doesn’t Spock say anything?

Jim lies wide awake in his bed, the covers pushed aside and the temperature turned up a bit, and stares up at the ceiling. His heart aches for Spock and he isn’t sure if it’s the meld still affecting him or if it’s simply himself, longing for that piece of his soul that Spock holds. Because that’s what it’s supposed to be, Spock completing his soul. He doesn’t know what it’s supposed to feel like to find your soulmate, if not having him is supposed to hurt like this, but he wants it to stop, he wants Spock to see him, completely, mark and soul and heart and everything.

It’s 0300 and he has barely two hours left until he has to be back in uniform, until the crew needs him back as their Captain. On the bridge, it’s easy to fall back into the professional routine, even with Spock breathing down his neck, or maybe just because, because Spock is calm, professional, logical and everything else that Jim himself is not.

How didn’t he see this sooner, how perfectly Spock completes him? He gets up and punches the recipe for a coffee into the replicator. There’s no way that he’ll find sleep tonight, no matter how important it might be. So he gulps down the small cup of black, highly caffeinated coffee, so bitter that he contemplates washing the taste away with a glass of water, but then decides against it and rushes out of his room.

On the bridge, Sulu confirms that the last four hours since Jim left have been rather uneventful, which is the exaggeration of the week since basically and literally nothing happened. Jim makes his way down to engineering, where Scotty is still hunched over something that looks like, well, frankly, Jim has no idea what it looks like, just that it looks complicated.

“Hey Scotty!” He greets the Chief Engineer.

“Aye Jim! What’s brought you down here?”

“Not really in the sleeping mood today. What’s keeping you up?”

And Scotty spews out some tech vocab that is just a tad too high for Jim, especially at this ungodly hour and with his overfatigued brain that got 20 hours of sleep tops in the past week. But one word makes him perk up.

“… the way, Jim… I found my soulmae!” He swallows the T in his usual, scottish way.

And Jim abruptly shifts his complete attention back on Scotty. “Really? Who’s the lucky lady?”

He can’t believe that Scotty blushes a bit, before he tells him with the widest, shit-eating grin in the world that it’s Uhura. “I mean, I never woulda thought, you gotta believe me, because that lass is fine and I’m just the nerd from engineering, but aye… I’m just thanking the universe for that.”

Now Jim’s confused. “What about Spock?”

“Aye, my lass broke up with him as soon as she found out. But their relationship wasn’t going well before that, Iemme tell ya. I’m just happy I found her.”

“I’m happy for you.” Jim turns around and slowly walks away. Spock is single. That sentence feels so odd in his mouth, as if Spock would ever subject himself to something as mundane and human as dating. He still wonders how the hell Uhura and Spock ended up being in a relationship in the first place. But that’s no longer a problem now.

Spock being his soulmate wasn’t the thing that drove a wedge between those two. It was Uhura’s soulmate that caused the end of their relationship.

And Jim grows aware that with that, a whole new set of problems just presented itself. Spock just got broken up with. Though it’s clear that technically, this is now his time, his chance of having a go at a relationship with Spock, it’s painfully obvious that Spock can’t be ready for one. Getting out of one relationship and throwing himself into another one is one thing when you’re the one that cut the strings, but the other way around? Drawing from his own experience, Jim knows that it isn’t exactly a good idea.

Slowly and unconsciously, he makes his way back to his quarters. His steps falter a bit as he passes Spock’s door, but he resists the impulse to knock and check if Spock’s awake, which he probably is, but that isn’t the point. The door to his own quarters slides open. It’s almost 0430. If he wants to get breakfast before his shift, he should probably do that now.

Not really craving the solitude of his own four walls, he turns and makes his way towards the mess hall.

Bones is sitting at the bar in the back and it’s not like Jim has any other choice but to join him. Not that he wouldn’t want to anyways. “What’s up, Bones? Didn’t think I’d be seeing you here at this time of the night.”

“Couldn’t sleep.” There is a light slur to his words. “Whaddabout you?”

“I have to get back on the bridge in 30.” Then he looks at Bones with slightly widened eyes. “Wait, Bones… are you drunk? I thought you had a tolerance that put Scotty to shame.”

“I have my reasons.” Bones grabs his tumbler and chugs down the rest of the liquid in one giant gulp before slamming it back down.

Jim raises an eyebrow. “And those reasons would be?”

“I found my soulmate a little over a week ago.”

“What is it with everyone finding their soulmates? First Scotty, now you…” Jim shakes his head. His eyes fall on the bottle standing next to Bones. “And why does finding your soulmate make you drink an entire bottle of brandy? And not in celebration, since you’re sitting alone here.”

“Because I somehow managed to get the most innocent ensign imaginable as a soulmate. I could be his dad for heaven’s sake!” He slams the glass back on the table.

“Does he know?”

Bones pours himself another shot. “No.”

 “You gonna tell him?” Jim is tempted to take the bottle away from his soulmate.

“You gonna tell Spock?” The amber liquid disappears down Bones’ throat and Jim suddenly feels really, really thirsty.

“That’s none of your business.” He murmurs, before grabbing the bottle of brandy and pouring himself some into a tumbler.

Bones looks down into his empty glass and grumbles. “Well, then fuck off.”

“How do you even know about that?”

“He has his fucking mark spread out over his cheek like a goddamn brand! It isn’t exactly subtle.”

Now Jim just feels stupid for not noticing it earlier. “Whatever, Bones.” He slides off the bar stool and get himself a small breakfast from the replicator, for more isn’t the time now. When he gets back, Bones is already snoring with his head dropped on his arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you all so much for reading and please let me know what you thought of this chapter in the comments!
> 
> Kudos and Comments are appreciated and give me encouragement to keep writing!


End file.
